Inequity

Today my complaint revolves around feeling generally gypped.

So, I think this morning, incidentally, two things triggered me to sit and reflect on feeling a little upset about missing out on things that two of my younger siblings have had or continue to get that I never had the chance to get or even STILL don’t have. But just a moment ago, tonight, I became distinctly annoyed, in contrast. I was, not surprisingly considering my lack of mobility/friends/anything to do in this area, crocheting some stupid useless object, when I was coming close to closing it off and needed to stuff it. So I started looking for an open pillow that had previously been in a back room. When I looked for it, it was no longer there. So I started looking in other probable rooms, and after not finding it, decided to look in my brother’s room in case my mom had stowed it there.  He doesn’t really live here anymore, so the invasion of privacy is nil. It wasn’t in his bedroom, so then I looked in his bathroom purely out of curiosity (unrelated to the pillow). Then I see a decent pile of records sitting on his sink that had not been there previously (Why he has records in his bathroom, I don’t know, but he never uses it anyway). I pick some up, and see that one of the smaller ones is priced somewhat above $10. So, I figure each one of them at least must have been priced over $10. Ergo… there’s at least over $200 worth of shit there. Clearly, despite the fact that he has been “borrowing” my car for over two years and was without a job until recently, he has given up on the endeavor to save money for his own so he could give MINE back to ME. Do I want this POS car now? No, not particularly–he drives EVERYWHERE. I mean everywhere, all the time. I’m sure the mileage on that car is absolutely insane by now. I don’t feel that comfortable driving it either, because it’s a little wide. BUT had I been able to sell it before he likely ruined it, at least I could have gotten some small compensation to use for trying to get another. Even now, I could use it in desperation or for purposes alluded to later. Now, quite clearly, he fucking thinks it might as well be his.

I feel like I deserve to be able to hock all his shit on eBay to make up for this car. Could I bring myself to do this? No. For one, I’d feel guilty as hell, and secondly my brother has an unruly temper. Even though I would completely deserve to be compensated, he’d likely flip out.

This is AFTER I had thought about, and felt a somewhat uncomfortable with, the idea of telling/asking him to drive me to and from my old hometown (his current, about 45 minutes away) so I could see one of my friends for the first time in years. At first I figured he owes it to me, WHICH HE DOES, but then I stupidly started to feel like maybe I’d be getting in the way of his schedule. I’ve never been recompensed for the money I’ve had to spend on taxis (even though my mom bitched quite strongly that I didn’t “need” to be using them–yeah, because unlike my siblings, I’m expected to never fucking go anywhere?). I’ve never been recompensed for the 3 or so years I’ve never been able to drive myself anywhere. I never ask him for anything. Yet, he spends money on stuff he absolutely doesn’t need while I have to spend most of my money on food, and if I ever try to save it for something I want I inevitably have to spend it on school crap or housing, books, anything that I generally don’t want but need.

The thing that set my mind off a little this morning was that, initially, my mom was telling me some shit  about my brother having some mysterious “data transfer” costs on his cell phone bill (for which she pays). They discovered that it was that his *new* cell phone has a button that gets accidentally pushed all the time, connecting it to the Internet. Since this contributed to about $4 extra on the bill, my mom figured she might as well just sign him up for the extra $10-a-month price for ‘net connection. He appreciated that, as now he could use it for his own purposes anytime. He, not surprisingly, also already had texting. Me, I have a worn-out 3-year-old  (never even had one prior to that) phone that was a POS free-plan cell phone to begin with that I’m still using. I DON’T have text because at some point or another it came up and my mom seemed to think the of the extra monthly cost wasn’t such a wonderful idea. (So it follows that people are often telling me they sent me some text message and I have to constantly, embarrassedly, say “I don’t have texting”, and am otherwise left unaware when people do it without telling me) Then, very shortly afterward, my mom and sister were in the living room talking about a driver’s ed course, and this irritated me because I did INDEED take driver’s ed when I was in high school. That’s not the point, though. My mom was saying my sister needs to take it because it would reduce her insurance costs. My sister will likely be getting a car soon even though she doesn’t have a license or a permit or any experience whatsoever. She’s 17. Even though I took driver’s ed, I never got a car in high school. I didn’t get a car until I was 21, and a crappy car at that that I felt uncomfortable driving. And, better yet, I didn’t get to keep it! So, essentially, I have never had a car. I’m fucking 25 years old and I can’t even drive myself to a job if I want. It’s sad enough that I’m still in college, but what difference would it make? It’s not like a car would magically show up after I graduated so I could get to work. My brother had a car (got it at 17), it died, and then his conveniently got replaced with mine and apparently he, as my mom said anyway, “wonders why he doesn’t have a better car.” And now my sister will be getting one that will inevitably be pretty decent.

When I was around middle school age, I went to the orthodontist. He told me and my parents that if I didn’t get braces, I’d likely have to have my jaws cracked when I was older. I got two teeth removed from the bottom of my mouth for extra room. I never did get the fucking braces. On one side of my mouth, the gap is relatively close to looking closed. On the other side, it practically never changed. The rest of my teeth are not straight as it is.  And then guess who gets braces at about age 15… my younger sister. Now she has straight-ass fucking teeth that my mom has to REMIND her to take care of. I no longer feel comfortable smiling with my teeth showing for pictures. I don’t even need to bring up the fact that my genes are shit as well and I basically lost the genetic lottery. These are just two things among others, but they have irritated me the most.

So it practically goes without saying that… My life is a fucking joke.