New plan with bad beginnings

Not a very good start to the “New Plan.” This morning, despite going to sleep no earlier than 7:30 p.m. the night before, I woke up at not even 3 a.m. Then I proceeded to go online and somehow ended up looking at profiles of people in my facebook “network”–mostly people I know of or have met but don’t truly know. That got me feeling depressed because the majority of them were overseas and/or doing other things I wish I could be doing right now. I’m not exactly old in the spectrum of things, but in terms of college and what I should have already achieved right now, I’m probably 5 years older than most of my colleagues on average. So even if I do get to eventually do some of the things they’re doing, I might not fit in. Anyway, bad beginnings. Let’s hope it doesn’t continue this way and that I keep up with the plan.

Of course, maybe elaborating on the plan would be appropriate. I intend to start getting up at the same time every day, starting today, for the sake of regularity and learning to better manage my schedule. I’m going to go back on my diet–I haven’t decided exactly what calorie range I’m going to go for this time, but it’s definitely nothing over 1500. Last time I went for 1000, maybe this time I’ll go for 1200 or something. I’m not sure if I’ll allow myself the “one day a week” pass like I did last time, though. But last time I went on the diet I didn’t even use it maybe more than once. Other things that I am not strictly focusing on but I intend to include are: despite having absolutely no life, put more effort into my appearance on a regular basis; study my languages regularly and possibly other subjects; exercise with the Wii or elliptical and go outside every once in a while; stop procrastinating about buying supplements or other necessities for whatever issues I have and start taking them. Etc. I also need to start practicing driving again… My partner in crime, as we collaborated on his plan, also intends to read himself to sleep, which might be a good idea. I wish I could have confidence about myself with this. It just seems like I fail everything these days–I’m not sure I have a lot of hope for certain change, but if I don’t change, what chances do I have for eventual success? These things seem inconsequential compared to what I would otherwise be focusing on (like graduating or getting a job), but these are my ongoing problems–I’m a procrastinator who has had no regular, manageable schedule for going on ten years. Maybe I will try to write here more regularly.

On a positive note, maybe three days ago my old roommate said to me in a message online, “Hey. You’re really attractive.” At first I wasn’t sure what he was talking about, but apparently he’d been looking at pictures of me. I have serious doubts he’d think that if he could see me lately, but it’s still better than nothing–15 pounds ago? It could be worse. As it is, I rarely ever get compliments anymore. I keep thinking that if I could really get back to my old weight, maybe even just 125 though ideally 115, that I’d be a lot happier. I unsure of whether or not this is delusional, and if I’d realize I was still really unhappy even after getting thin. Hopefully I may find out.

Chinese New Year

So currently I’m watching the late-night winter olympics from Vancouver. At first they showed men’s indoor/circle skating (whatever it is), and that’s pretty cool. Some attractive guys, as well. Now they’re showing women’s luge, which has got to be the most boring winter Olympic sport there is. Watching people almost motionlessly glide around an ice tunnel… exciting. So I thought I’d take the opportunity to finally update my blog.

As of… December?

I don’t have cancer. That thing on my arm was/is just some ruptured thing or something like that. I can’t remember exactly what the dermatologist said it was. Unfortunately, it will not fucking go away on its own. So, if I want it gone, I have to, sans health care, pay for the dermatologist to remove it. Ugh. And it’s better not to dwell on what that might feel like, since when they did the biopsy my arm wasn’t exactly numb.

Christmas went really really well. Pretty much everyone liked all the presents they got, and everyone was in good spirits. My sister and I got an XBOX 360 together from my brother and mom, not including whatever other presents we got. That was unexpected. My brother got me a bunch of DPN needles for knitting, which was really nice. My dad really liked the presents I/we got him–saying that the book choice couldn’t have been any better (Scientifica) and really appreciating the Snowman cap I made him. He’s been wearing it all over the place since then, apparently drawing both looks of awe from children as well as strange glances. My mom had already relayed the information to me partially before, but when my dad told me about it over the phone last week, it really made me smile.

I didn’t do anything for New Year’s Eve.

About two weeks ago I made kimchi–red pepper whole cabbage kind, and some ‘white’ cabbage kind. It turned out really well (at least the red one did for certain), though I haven’t eaten any yet. I just had to try to “juice,” per the recipe, and it had the appropriate spice and tang. I also made takuan for the second kind–I couldn’t find the recipe I used before, and the sweetness and vinegar taste of this one ended up way too mild for my taste.

On Saturday (Feb. 13), the day before Chinese New Year, I thoroughly cleaned my room from about 3 p.m. to 12 a.m. I also got to change my bedding completely. Consequently, my room looks so much better. Not so dingy. I really wish I could get rid of a lot of things, though, because I don’t like having so many unnecessary “possessions.” But while I’m certainly no hoarder, I have a difficulty getting rid of things I have given any kind of sentimental attachment to.

The day before that, I went grocery shopping with my mom and sister, and we went to a lot of dfferent ‘ethnic’ food stores, as usual. We finally went to the other K&S, which was a lot cooler than I thought it would be. When we went to the Laotian/Vietnamese/Chinese/etc. place we usually go to that has a good selection of produce, I really embarrassed myself. The clerk who’s always there when we go is really cute. The morning before leaving to go grocery shopping, I had been trying to compile the addresses of all the places we might go to, because I had yet to create an organized list of the names and addresses. So I went to the website of said store to find the address and saw that there was an “about” section, and decided to read it. I saw that the owners were a family from Laos of a husband and wife whose two sons sometimes worked with them. So when I was at the counter I asked the guy what some common Laotian foods were, because I honestly have almost no familiarity with Lao anything. So he described a few to me, and I think he asked me why I was wondering, and I said that I saw that his family was Laotian so I thought I’d ask since I didn’t know anything about Lao food. He replied, “Not Laotian. We (my brother and I) were born in Laos. We’re Chinese.” I just said, “Oh! I’m so sorry!” I felt so stupid… Fortunately he was pretty much done bagging my groceries at that point. So I just left. And now he probably thinks I’m stalking him, even though I just looked at the website for an unrelated reason. In truth, I actually initially figured he was Chinese, or possibly even Vietnamese, from the way that he looked, until I read that stupid website. I guess I should have paid better attention. Anyway, after that my mom, sister, and I went to some Korean place to eat and had a pretty mediocre hot pot, but a seriously delicious kimchi/tofu/pork belly bulgogi. I could absolutely go for some right now.

And for the first time in who knows how long, I actually KIND of studied today! After watching “Nightwatch” I got out my Russian book and wrote the alphabet on a bunch of index cards, and then decided to do the same with the kanji section from my first Genki book, as well as working on some Excel to print out for the back of the cards to keep it neat. I haven’t finished them yet, but it’s some kind of progress.

I also ordered about $400 worth of clothes online about a week and a half ago (and, in contrast, have contributed nothing to Haiti). I would have ordered more but I tried to keep reducing my choices because I really feel uncomfortable spending a lot of money. Anyway, I got a bunch of cute clothes that fit but look like shit on my currently-fat ass. So along with the room cleaning for CNY, I intend to also restart my diet. It’s day two of the New Year, and I meant to have started on Sunday, but I’ll pick up on it within a week. About two weeks ago I spent ten minutes/100 calories on the elliptical. The second half was pretty awful–I’m in pretty much the worst shape of my life.

Every day is a dream…

Obviously this is just culminating into a space for explanations of my sporadic life failures. (Nothing else motivates me?) And that should probably foreshadow just how positive this won’t be.

So this week I went to the dermatologist–probably the first time in my life that I’ve been to a specialist (unless an orthodontist counts). I don’t have health insurance, either, so it will cost a fucking arm and a leg. Not just a fucking arm and a leg, though, because aside from just having an appointment, I also had to have a biopsy. No clue  how much that is going to cost. It sucks that even after having to pay so much, I ended up not really liking the guy’s vibe. And better yet, I have to go back again in about a week and a half–so I get to shell out even more. This sums up to the fact that I probably won’t be able to buy anyone Christmas gifts this year, which really sucks. As a matter of fact, every single time I manage to save a significant amount of money, it ends up going to things that are completely unenjoyable for me–such as school bills, food, or medical expenses. Almost always with the original intent to buy things or travel.

Anyway, I went to the dermatologist for three reason. Firstly, I had this seriously menacing case of what was and is most likely seborrheic dermatitis, i.e. “real” dandruff. This is not really a surprise since I have eczema in my ears, ergo my skin is overreactive and horrible. I just got some shampoo for that–whoopee. Secondly, I have significant hair loss. Since I’ve had a considerable number of blood lab tests done, and the only thing they’ve found is that I have too much testosterone in my system, this is most likely the only reason for it. (And no, I don’t have a tumor. But otherwise I have no clue why my hormones are irregular) So, since birth control barely did shit for me, I suggested to the dermatologist other things that some women have taken with success. Many of them were men’s medications or things not related to hair loss, such as prostate medication. Dr. Asshole keeps insisting to me that he is not accustomed to giving women these kinds of prescriptions, and that they “are for men,” repeatedly. I try to explain to Dr. Asshole that even if it is FOR MEN, if the medication acts by directly inhibiting the enzyme that produces testosterone, that pretty much fucking makes sense and addresses the exact issue, rather than helping it in some indirect way like birth control, etc. etc. He insists, but it’s for men. Well, you fucking know what? Most medications aren’t even thoroughly tested on women TO BEGIN WITH. So does that mean women shouldn’t be allowed to take anything but birth control to solve every ailment? This isn’t even including the fact that most of them have fewer side effects than birth control. Regardless, since I’m having to go back, he said he’d look into it before I come back. I don’t have high expectations. If another woman (who wrote an article for Marie Claire) can manage to get one of these prescriptions from a Dr., when suffering from the same shit I am, and have success with it, why the fuck can’t I? I’ve been considering writing her.

And lastly–to end the tirade–I had them check on this peculiar spot on my arm that has persisted, unchanged, for around six months. Even though my GP’s kind of neglected it, the dude said it looked kind of suspicious. He suggested to me that it could be cancer, which I’d already realized. How lovely, right? So, they took a biopsy of my arm. First the nurse injected some local anaesthetic, which is a non-issue to me because the ‘pain’ of needles really doesn’t bother me anymore. But then after sitting around for about ten minutes, the doctor came back in to do something akin to punching out a thin hole in my arm. Beforehand I had come to the conclusion that the spot seemed pretty numb, but indeed, it was not numb. Then he sewed it up and injected more anaesthetic. That only lasted about ten minutes.

So, it doesn’t seem like I’ll be going back to school next semester, like I’d hoped. I had picked out all the classes quite early, but every time I checked back registration wasn’t open. So then I idled. I could sign up now, but finding a place to live in a month doesn’t seem realistic. Anyway, with this stupid arm shit, and the remote hope that I could finagle some medication for my hair that would probably initially make it fall out before growing back in, it doesn’t seem like a great idea. I’m thinking about looking into taking online-only classes, to maybe get a few out of the way, but I’m not even sure if that is possible. I’d have to get another loan, which, I’m pretty sure, would require me to take at least 12 hours. But can I even find 12 hours of relevant online classes to take? It’s a dim hope. And then there’s the suspension/probation and whatever regulations will come along with that that I might have to deal with. Life is really looking up these days…

I also picked up my guitar again Friday, after not seriously practicing for over a year. It was a miserable disappointment, really. It’s easy to forget that not only do I have to remember the notes and where the most convenient fingering places are on the fret, but also the alternation between the fingers on my (clumsy?) right hand. Maybe I really should just get that accordion.

Life isn’t so terrible right now, it’s just not good. In actuality, the majority of the “goodness” I’m deriving is probably from any lack of stress, and confrontation, and necessity to confront a lack of self-esteem that I usually counteract with procrastination. And I don’t really get lonely being at home. This doesn’t get rid of things like feelings of failure, depression, and monotony, though.

I also heard my step-father say something very un-PC the other day that I really don’t approve of. It’s not really worth advertising in a public space, but it wasn’t cool.  

Aside from this, nothing really goes on in my life. I guess that’s about all I have to write.

Fresh food

Today I saw my mom pulling the expensive, fresh tuna we bought on Tuesday out of the refrigerator. I was really concerned about the potential waste of good tuna on my mother’s often-bland cooking. To my surprise, in the end, I was proud of her for all the effort she went into for making a meal! She couldn’t find recipes she liked online, and knew none of the ones she had at home were good enough, so she actually went to the library to get a cook book. She marinated and fried tuna, made mushrooms with our fresh herbs, toasted good bread, made fresh corn, safron rice, and a squash casserole. This is an exceptional amount of preparation and effort in contrast to what my mom usually makes.

On the other end of the spectrum, I just checked my e-mail and got a message from newly-married dude titled “Hey call me” (with no actual message inside). Ugh, why? Then again, he was probably drunk when he wrote that (12:31 a.m.) and meant for me to do it at that moment.

Summer life is still feeling pointless. I can’t think of anything to do that would actually make me feel busy and accomplished. Everything just feels like a time-waster. Maybe I’ll read a book… eventually.

Summer

Yesterday, I went outside. I had a pleasurable enough, if hot, walk around the yard. I took some uninspiring documentational pictures of the foliage. I weeded the herbs and cut the flower heads off the basil–when they tell you to pick basil before it flowers, it actually matters. While the leaves near the flowering tops still had a relatively “basil” flavor, they were simultaneously more bitter and distinctly metallic in comparison to younger leaves. A leaf left a weird feeling at the tip of my tongue even after I’d swallowed it. I also found a perfectly formed fallen bird’s nest–made with homogeneous straw of only two different colors (yellow and light brown). I would have tried to preserve it if there weren’t some possibility it could be harboring parasites, although that’s not likely since it looked completely unused.

When I was walking in the backyard, I took note of this odd purple-hued stuff growing amidst the grass in patches. And the grass was an incredibly rich green. It made me think that I really wished I could have some pot and observe it again–I’m sure the colors would look really saturated and fantastic. Still, I wish I had some (not that I’d be able to use it here). The blasé mood of the summer so far wouldn’t be improved, but pot would make it more enjoyable. I wouldn’t mind some cigarettes, either…

I also watched “Last Life in the Universe” this mornng. A great film with a limpid, pleasant pace and soundtrack. It makes me feel like going to Thailand (among other things mentioned in the previous paragraph). It’s one of the films where I don’t necessarily feel intensely while I’m watching it, but once it’s over I know that it’s one of my favorites.

Inequity

Today my complaint revolves around feeling generally gypped.

So, I think this morning, incidentally, two things triggered me to sit and reflect on feeling a little upset about missing out on things that two of my younger siblings have had or continue to get that I never had the chance to get or even STILL don’t have. But just a moment ago, tonight, I became distinctly annoyed, in contrast. I was, not surprisingly considering my lack of mobility/friends/anything to do in this area, crocheting some stupid useless object, when I was coming close to closing it off and needed to stuff it. So I started looking for an open pillow that had previously been in a back room. When I looked for it, it was no longer there. So I started looking in other probable rooms, and after not finding it, decided to look in my brother’s room in case my mom had stowed it there.  He doesn’t really live here anymore, so the invasion of privacy is nil. It wasn’t in his bedroom, so then I looked in his bathroom purely out of curiosity (unrelated to the pillow). Then I see a decent pile of records sitting on his sink that had not been there previously (Why he has records in his bathroom, I don’t know, but he never uses it anyway). I pick some up, and see that one of the smaller ones is priced somewhat above $10. So, I figure each one of them at least must have been priced over $10. Ergo… there’s at least over $200 worth of shit there. Clearly, despite the fact that he has been “borrowing” my car for over two years and was without a job until recently, he has given up on the endeavor to save money for his own so he could give MINE back to ME. Do I want this POS car now? No, not particularly–he drives EVERYWHERE. I mean everywhere, all the time. I’m sure the mileage on that car is absolutely insane by now. I don’t feel that comfortable driving it either, because it’s a little wide. BUT had I been able to sell it before he likely ruined it, at least I could have gotten some small compensation to use for trying to get another. Even now, I could use it in desperation or for purposes alluded to later. Now, quite clearly, he fucking thinks it might as well be his.

I feel like I deserve to be able to hock all his shit on eBay to make up for this car. Could I bring myself to do this? No. For one, I’d feel guilty as hell, and secondly my brother has an unruly temper. Even though I would completely deserve to be compensated, he’d likely flip out.

This is AFTER I had thought about, and felt a somewhat uncomfortable with, the idea of telling/asking him to drive me to and from my old hometown (his current, about 45 minutes away) so I could see one of my friends for the first time in years. At first I figured he owes it to me, WHICH HE DOES, but then I stupidly started to feel like maybe I’d be getting in the way of his schedule. I’ve never been recompensed for the money I’ve had to spend on taxis (even though my mom bitched quite strongly that I didn’t “need” to be using them–yeah, because unlike my siblings, I’m expected to never fucking go anywhere?). I’ve never been recompensed for the 3 or so years I’ve never been able to drive myself anywhere. I never ask him for anything. Yet, he spends money on stuff he absolutely doesn’t need while I have to spend most of my money on food, and if I ever try to save it for something I want I inevitably have to spend it on school crap or housing, books, anything that I generally don’t want but need.

The thing that set my mind off a little this morning was that, initially, my mom was telling me some shit  about my brother having some mysterious “data transfer” costs on his cell phone bill (for which she pays). They discovered that it was that his *new* cell phone has a button that gets accidentally pushed all the time, connecting it to the Internet. Since this contributed to about $4 extra on the bill, my mom figured she might as well just sign him up for the extra $10-a-month price for ‘net connection. He appreciated that, as now he could use it for his own purposes anytime. He, not surprisingly, also already had texting. Me, I have a worn-out 3-year-old  (never even had one prior to that) phone that was a POS free-plan cell phone to begin with that I’m still using. I DON’T have text because at some point or another it came up and my mom seemed to think the of the extra monthly cost wasn’t such a wonderful idea. (So it follows that people are often telling me they sent me some text message and I have to constantly, embarrassedly, say “I don’t have texting”, and am otherwise left unaware when people do it without telling me) Then, very shortly afterward, my mom and sister were in the living room talking about a driver’s ed course, and this irritated me because I did INDEED take driver’s ed when I was in high school. That’s not the point, though. My mom was saying my sister needs to take it because it would reduce her insurance costs. My sister will likely be getting a car soon even though she doesn’t have a license or a permit or any experience whatsoever. She’s 17. Even though I took driver’s ed, I never got a car in high school. I didn’t get a car until I was 21, and a crappy car at that that I felt uncomfortable driving. And, better yet, I didn’t get to keep it! So, essentially, I have never had a car. I’m fucking 25 years old and I can’t even drive myself to a job if I want. It’s sad enough that I’m still in college, but what difference would it make? It’s not like a car would magically show up after I graduated so I could get to work. My brother had a car (got it at 17), it died, and then his conveniently got replaced with mine and apparently he, as my mom said anyway, “wonders why he doesn’t have a better car.” And now my sister will be getting one that will inevitably be pretty decent.

When I was around middle school age, I went to the orthodontist. He told me and my parents that if I didn’t get braces, I’d likely have to have my jaws cracked when I was older. I got two teeth removed from the bottom of my mouth for extra room. I never did get the fucking braces. On one side of my mouth, the gap is relatively close to looking closed. On the other side, it practically never changed. The rest of my teeth are not straight as it is.  And then guess who gets braces at about age 15… my younger sister. Now she has straight-ass fucking teeth that my mom has to REMIND her to take care of. I no longer feel comfortable smiling with my teeth showing for pictures. I don’t even need to bring up the fact that my genes are shit as well and I basically lost the genetic lottery. These are just two things among others, but they have irritated me the most.

So it practically goes without saying that… My life is a fucking joke.

Fantasies

Have you ever been out of a serious relationship for so long that all the previous ones you were ever in feel like a fantasy? Like you wonder if they ever even really happened? I’m approaching that point, I think. How I ever comfortably went four years without being in a relationship at one point is beyond me. I’m not sure if it was more of a matter of my mindset at the time, or if it’s more relative to how good or bad the last relationship one got out of was.

I’m 25 now, and it’s difficult to put into perspective how likely finding a life partner is at this point. Other peoples’ opinions on this seem to be pretty diverse–depending on who you speak to, I could be so young, or so old. And of course, a lot of women past twenty-five DO find longterm romance, but the issue is whether or not I likely will. I still haven’t finished getting my bachelor’s degree, which I’m pretty sure is a dramatic hindrance, among other things. Whether likely to find someone in a different environment or not, I’m pretty positive this is interfering with my potential. Where I’m at now is no longer a feasible place for me to meet people. I’ve also been wondering about where I would like to live longterm someday, and I think to myself that, if I were to settle down in America, there are so many places to live. But the idea of just deciding on a place without having a real impression of it seems terrible. So I think something like this would require travelling, which would require money, which not being able to get a real job is kind of keeping me from doing.

And even though I don’t have any money, after a conversation with my mom, I have dreams of going with her to the Mediterranean over the summer–to Italy or Spain. Ah, it would be so nice. Wearing breezy white linen, sporting short hair, basking in the sun walking around some beautiful riviera. It’s almost painful how pleasant that sounds. And possibly cheesy.

Persistent derelict

What do you do when you really hate your life? I don’t mean that in some terribly mopey, depressed way, but rather a very realistic, observational way. I guess the clear answer is “change it.”

Right now my life is just literally perpetual failure after failure. I have no job, no love life, no solid friends. I can’t go anywhere. I don’t have any money. I haven’t done anything noteworthy in terms of creativity or accomplishments in years. I have no focus. In these circumstances, I think it’s pretty normal to hate your life. It’s not even something I think about all the time, but occasionally the acuteness of the situation gets to me.

I just don’t even know where to start. The most practical answer would be to actually work hard in school. But then there’s also the issue with friends–I know a lot of people, but I can’t maintain a social friendship with anyone for seemingly any longer than 4-8 months, at which point all “friendships” expire to acquaintance status. The only people that I can think of that take a sincere interest in my life are people I’ve been mostly friends with through the Internet and my mom. I guess the next best solution for social interaction would be to get a job where I actually see people, though that’s not feasible for another four or five months.

I’m just so tired of the neverending wave of monotony.

Babies babies babies

I was thinking on Friday, on the ride home for Easter weekend, that I should really embrace communication with my cousin while she is pregnant.

Right now, I haven’t truly talked to her since maybe August, though even then it was at a family reunion so I don’t think we had any deep conversations. I’ve kind of held a double-edged grudge against her since New Year’s Eve ’07. Selfishly, yet reasonably (in terms of what constitutes a legitimate grudge), I went out of my way traveling to attend her wedding on that day, and she pretty much ignored me the entire time and instead spent a great deal of time talking to some salon girls that she sees essentially every day. The second half of the issue is that she basically no longer picks up the phone and never, ever makes any effort to call me. This pisses me off. She will on rare occasions send me some half-assed message on Myspace and, when I don’t respond immediately, will send me a message one or two days later asking, “Are you ignoring me?!” Personally, I generally reserve myspace messages for people I am, a) not close to anymore or b) don’t give a shit about. This is not the way to communicate with people you are (or were) good friends with. I used to try calling her ever so often, but now I only do so very rarely because my inner justice system thinks that it’s not very fair for me to always be the one who has to call. This is also bullshit, for either/or reason, because she once told me I was one of the only people she really liked talking to on the phone, and she calls her mother every day, and I’m pretty sure she answers if my other cousin calls her otherwise she’d probably get bitched out. Anyway, we used to be very close but we have both gradually become more grouchy, and less fun, over the past couple of years. So I guess it really doesn’t matter.

But back to the real point, which is pretty much completely self-serving, not in a wholly bad way. I keep thinking to myself that I need to somehow talk to her before she actually has the baby anyway, but then it occured to me that maybe I should really take advantage of this, because she might be the only girl I’ll ever know that can communicate with me about her experiences with having her first baby. I don’t have a lot of girl friends, especially not close ones, and many of the girls I do know already have a child or multiple. It’s very possible that I’ll never get the opportunity to have any myself, so it would be kind of sad if I never got to share any of the excitement or discomfort with anyone.

On a somewhat related note, I was also wondering about sperm donors. There’s a remote possibility that if I never got married I would want to have a child of my own to combat the loneliness. But, I’m completely convinced that I need to find someone with really good genes to counteract my own. So the idea of going to a sperm bank is really not an option–men go there for extra money, or any other sad reason usually, not because they are endowed with superior genes and want to share them with the world. I want to find a prime specimen so I can submit myself to positive evolution and mother earth, and not have a child that grows up to curse me for procreating with another person who had genes as horrible as mine. But, if you find someone in real life whom you think would be a good candidate for sperm donation, how do you approach them about this? What is the likelihood that someone might actually understand and agree? What if too many guys think that, by way of providing the ‘seed’, they also are obligated to have some role in upbringing, and that turns them away from it? I think most of the people who seem like decent candidates to me are at least somewhat famous or distanced from me. I wonder how feasible (or completely unfeasible) it would be to request that sort of thing from someone you didn’t know at all–I’d probably just get labeled as a stalker and get stuck with a restraining order. Hopefully, at worst, I will not have to worry about this for at least another ten years…

Lament of a pineapple

I finished off my pre-jarred pineapple (I really like Del Monte’s “Sun Fresh”), and so I decided I’d try to cut up my whole pineapple this morning. Beforehand I decided to check online about ripe pineapples and how to cut them up. Apparently I really didn’t know anything about how to buy a good pineapple. They’re supposed to be yellow from the bottom up, the moreso the better. I went to check, and mine was pretty much all green-brown. So, as reccommended, I smelled the bottom and it smelled “fermented” rather than tropical and sweet as well. And right after sticking my nose up in it, I also realized it had mold. Urgh. That’s very disappointing. I also didn’t realize you were supposed to eat a pineapple so quickly after buying it. (http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-if-a-Pineapple-Is-Ripe) Now I don’t have any pineapple left and very little orange juice. Just blueberry juice–not very refreshing. I guess I need to drink more water anyway.

And I’m seriously contemplating contacting whomever from the administration wrote me about my senior seminar class (after my professor apparently contacted them about my late assignment/lack of communication). I think my total lack of organization needs some kind of more proactive approach, and maybe some outside help. I don’t really know the best way to address it by myself, obviously. I should probably take it more seriously that I’ve been expressing the same behavior for about 2 1/2 years now.

I’m thinking about going to the gym to practice racquetball again, too.